College Grad

Well, I’ve graduated college. I’ve graduated college with no real clue as to what I planned (plan) on doing with my life, and I’ve accepted that I’m going to be a little lost for a while. It’s the strangest sensation, dedicating a quarter of a century (almost) to learning, writing papers, reading, and other miscellaneous schooling explaining why America is the greatest country in the world, only to feel a little…eh…disappointed with the outcome.

I’m not sure if disappointed is the right word, necessarily. Part of me feels as if I’m waiting for something amazing to happen, like that perfect dream job, or (less realistically) winning the lottery (I don’t even play), but I know that won’t happen without some sort of effort on my part. The problem is, I’ve spent 24 years of my life putting in so much effort I feel almost tapped out. I’m drained, and I have never been less motivated.

There was all this build up from my family, my friends, anyone I’ve encountered that knew I was close to graduating, that I, myself, was completely let down when it actually happened.

Congrats! People I didn’t even know would say to me, and I would visibly cringe, waiting for the expected, “What did you major in? What kind of job do you want?” As I sit there, politely, of course, and tell them some reiterated bullshit that I’ve been saying for the past year.

“Oh, I’m looking to write, or maybe go into publishing.”

While I do love writing, and I do love reading, I still don’t know whether either of these is what I’m supposed to make a career out of.

A career. That’s the problem. A job. A job, as my parents say, is not supposed to be fun. I’ve even heard this from my friends, who claim you gotta do things in life sometimes that you don’t like.

I retort with, “Na, I don’t think so. I’d rather be broke than unhappy.” Which is true. I would much rather be broke than working a job I absolutely hate, but I’m young yet, and still living at my parent’s house. I could change my mind, (probably…hopefully not).

Part of my problem is I see all of these people on every social networking site with their lives (seemingly) planned out, or started, and I’m writing this, sitting in the room I’ve inhabited since I was 15. I know people will tell me “It’s ok, you have time.”

When I went into college without knowing what I wanted to do, I was told, “It’s ok, you have time.”

When I changed schools, three times, changed my major, and added a minor, causing me to graduate two years after my supposed four year college career, I was told, “It’s ok, you have time.”

And I appreciate all of the support, but at the same time I wish someone had said to me, when I was 15, or 16, or even 21, “Make a plan, because before you know it, you don’t have time.”

I guess I wish I had made a plan a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, or now, as I’m typing this with still no fucking clue.

I’m quite aware of how entitled this sounds, but I’m also angry that I’ve been told, since I was 12, maybe 13, that if I go to college I’ll get a good job and life will be easier and blah blah blah (don’t forget to find a husband and settle down and start a family too.) As I sit here, 100k in debt, I’m a little disillusioned, as I’m sure you understand. I know I’m not entitled to any job, and I know schooling and education doesn’t make me a better person, but I wish someone had told me this when I was 12, or 13, and not that fallacy that’s been shoved down my throat.

I’m not trying to dissuade anyone from going to college, especially if you’re going to Rowan University for the English degree (as I’ve found out two schools and a major later, that is exactly where I was supposed to be) since I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today without this education. All I’m saying is, you don’t have as much time as you think you do, and I don’t think that should come as a surprise to anyone.

More than ever, I feel like a failure, even though I know I’m not, and I know graduating from college is a difficult thing to do, but I feel like my entire college career was a build up to that fateful day, as if I was on a roller-coaster going up and down up and now the rides over. Just…stopped.

I’m left a little dizzy, a little breathless, but more importantly, a little *sigh* sad that it’s over.

But I know I’ll find something, it’s just a matter of when.

I mean, I got time, right?

Here are a few articles I’ve found that were interesting reads, nonetheless.

21 Things Nobody Tells You When You Graduate College

I Just Graduated, Now What?